just as a note, I will add more information as I remember it and highlight it as a different color.A couple nights ago I was looking through some people’s blogs and came across a girl named Sarah. A very interesting young lady who has had a life full of adventure and trials more than most have had. She’s got cancer and I found myself so curious about how she was dealing with it and how others were there as her support. She is so much farther ahead mentally, emotionally and spiritually than I ever was when I went through it. Her Blog is a great support to her and her friends for a couple reasons. I know many times when friends would come over I just didn’t have the energy to visit and would as politely as I could ask them to leave so I could rest so a blog is great for that in keeping in contact with the masses, It’s also good for the friends because they can read it at a time when they feel they can. Anyway I got thinking about when I went through The “CANCER EXPERIENCE” I never recorded it and I have had lots of people ask me about it. So I’m going to tell it in as much detail as I can so you can read it without feeling uncomfortable asking me.
In November of 1995 I was in the shower and found a lump which was about the size of a pea, at first I thought it was a cyst or an ingrown hair but it got bigger In my heart I knew what it was but didn’t want to accept it. I had lived a clean life, I have never smoked, drank, alcohol or caffeinated drinks of any kind (I may be a little phanatical) but I tried to live clean so when the thought popped in my head I dismissed it because only smokers and reckless people got cancer. I went in for an ultrasound on December 8thh and they checked out the lump and did some blood work. Didn’t hear from anyone for a couple weeks so no news is good new and on December 23rd, I started packing up the truck to go to Taber for Christmas. I went and picked up my ski-doo and on the way back rear ended a truck and totaled mine. (His truck was a heavy welding truck and not so much as a dent on his) so now what was I going to do? We wanted to head south and had no vehicle to get there with. I called Deb at work (she is an insurance agent) and we were both pretty wrecked over it. We ended up renting a van. Deb got off at noon and we were packing up when the phone rang, it was the doctor. He said he needed to come over and discuss an important matter with us. So we waited in fear until he got there. He told me that the blood work had come back and that the evidence was strong that I had cancer and then he said he though I had about 6 months to live. Suddenly the truck that was totaled and all our plans that we thought were important meant nothing, all that mattered was each other and what we were going to do to get through this. Material things really don’t matter in a traumatic situation. I had a thought go through my head at the moment he said I had six months. It was this “ No you will live, this isn’t for you, you are doing this for someone else” it was very strange but I believe it was Heavenly Father (God) whispering that to me and I felt a calm come over me. We drove to my parents that day and got in fairly late. Now most of you who know me know I am lousy at keeping a secret and this big ole smile stretches across my mug when I have something to say but don’t know if I should or how I will. I told my mom and dad that I had something important to tell them and because we still didn’t have any kids you can guess what they thought we were going to tell them. In their bedroom I broke the silence with “ I have cancer and the doctor has given me 6 months” My mom broke down and my dad did what he does and just stood there with tears in his eyes. Then I went out to the front room and told my brothers. Matt was on a mission in Bulgaria at the time so he was told on the phone. Christmas was very quiet and awkward that year. On December 27th I went in for an operation and had a biopsy done so they could work out a treatment for me. You know, I hate operations, I have had seven in my life just doesn’t seem fair sometimes but who said life was supposed to be fair. A week later I met with the oncologist, Dr Peter Venner and awesome man, at least to me. They did x-rays and I sat in line while others went in to have their results explained and the procedure that needed to be done. People would go in somber and quiet and come out crying.
My Dad came with me on this trip. I didn't want to subject my wife to bad news if there was going to be some. My Dad is a good man and is tough and i knew he could deal with it, besides he was my dad.I felt bad for the doctors having to do this every day. It was my turn and as I was called in the nurse slipped my x-ray on the light board and when she saw what she saw she yanked it down, but not until I had had a good glimpse of my chest. I asked her if those were tumors all those white splotches and balls. She said the doctor would explain the x-ray to me. So now I had to wait for a doctor to verify what I already knew. He came in and we quickly became friends, we did the small talk and finally he popped the x-ray up for me to see. There they were, a chest full of tumors the largest just above my heart about the size of a hardball which explained the pains I would get from running, and here I thought I was having a heart attack when all along it was a tumor go figure!. I had a carcinoma but it was fast growing which is always the better cancer because treatment are more successful than some of the other types of slow growing cancers. The reason being that chemotherapy attacks the cells and stops them from reproducing which is how the cancer is killed off the cancer cells live out their life and die without dividing or reproducing. Now the problem with fast growing cancers is that the drugs are the most aggressive out there. I still remember what I took, Cisplatin, Bleomycin, and etoposide. Anyway, I had decided after watching all those people coming out crying that I would not be one and try to be the best patient they ever had. My change in attitude reflected humor and courage and faith and the doctor recognized it and told me that many people just give up when they walk out his door but I would make it if I persisted. I was scared obviously but I would not let my family know that because I also knew that they couldn’t do anything for me and that attitude is contagious and I just didn’t want to be around that. Treatment were set for January and that morning as I walked into the treatment center I passed a young lady in a wheel chair, I could smell death in her, it is unmistakable, and made me want to retch. I felt so bad for her because you could see the hopelessness in her eyes that she had just given up . That scared me and I took a bed in the far corner of the clinic away from the constant traffic and secluded on three sides. The doctor came in again and re-affirmed his goal by saying” first were going to try to kill you and then we will bring you back to life. So I began the battery of IV’s, liters of the stuff each day for three days at a time. Thank goodness the bathroom was close by because at times it felt most of my treatment was done in there I had to go so often. You want your body to flush this poison as fast as it can and you don’t want to hold it in. my first day was a success and I rode
home, but the physical change was quite evident, my face was flushed and somewhat swollen and energy level was dropping. So two more days left me pretty sick inside. You have to remember that because I didn’t smoke drink or do drugs that these chemicals would take a drastic effect on a clean body. So here’s what happened in my case, I would be hit really hard from the chemo and would feel like I had nothing left and within a week I would bounce back to as normal as I could be, coming back for treatments, I would walk in while some others would be wheeled in. It was obvious that my choices at an early age and subsequent lifestyle had become a blessing for me.
My treatment were for four sessions, 3 days in IV’s and three weeks rest and repeat the cycle. After the treatments I would get so nauseous and would take these anti-nauseas pills that were $60.00 apiece twice a day, that’s a lot of money for 4 – five days. I was not working anymore and no compensation board in the world would give you a penny if you had cancer. After the third treatment I did an experiment and tried popping a few gravol and they worked for me just as good plus it made me sleepy that was a bonus because many nights I laid awake unable to sleep. After about the 15th day my hair began to fall out. That was a traumatic point in my life, I would take a shower and there would be small clumps of hair in the tub, each day the clumps got bigger so I made a decision, I was going to go and have it all shaved off, I told the family and my mom begged me not to. My little brother Tim walked up to me “saying ya right your hair is falling out” and grabbed a handful and with just a light yank got a good handful of hair and left me with a patchy bald spot. Poor guy felt so bad, I can still see the horrified expression on his face.
Within the hour my head was shaved. Went to a barber and the poor girl who got stuck taking care of me had never shaved a head before, I told her why she was shaving it and she teared up as she went to work. That was a good decision to shave it all off and I kept it bic’d until I knew I the hair would grow back in full. I had brown curly hair before and when it re-grew it came in somewhat straight but full of grey which is why so many people ask me how old my Daughter Deb is “ she’s my wife” I’d say and then I’d get a dirty look. She loves it and I deal with it. The chemo also plays havoc on your nerves and my fingers and toes became numb to the point I couldn’t feel them I think it was called peripheral neuropathy, When I played bass in a band many years ago the same thing happened to my fingers. The numbness lasted over a year and prevented me from safely working as a home renovator.
Somewhere along the line I had to go up to Grand Prairie to do some bill collecting and one particular client had told one of the home builders he wasn't going to pay me because i would soon be dead. I had a mini taperecorder and went to his home and knocked on his door. He opened it and was very surprised to see me, we did some small talk and then i gave him an invoice for almost 10 grand. He looked at me and laughed and said "I'm not going to pay a dead man" I told him i had figured on that response and that was why i had recorded the conversation. Told him I'd see him in court and turned around to walk back to my vehicle, I thought he was going to beat the tar out of me. By the time i got in the truck he was at the window waving his check book. I rolled down the window, he gave me the check and i drove of without a word. I also found a couple friends that worked for me turned to vultures as I ended up having to sell the business. They didn't want to buy the business, only the tools and they wanted all the contracts for free and in return they would make monthly payments for two years, that lasted less than six months. Haven't had contact with them since. It just wasn't worth it to go after them. I had other symtoms because of chemo show up with time I found I got bad acid from all food so they gave me ranitidine to compensate for my stomach over producing acid. I couldn’t eat much either, those that know me know I can eat a lot but that was all gone. About three days after forcing my body to eat soups and sandwiches (no mayo) Oh ya my nose became super sensitive and I could actually identify ingredients in the food I was eating. Kind of weird but has since paid off because I could go home a re-create the dish I had eaten. Anyway after those three days my body would suddenly go into craving mode much like a pregnant lady . My craving every time was 2 Big-macs high calories, lots of fat and somewhat nasty but that’s what my body wanted and that’s what it got. Sugary food and protein also was high on the list. Your whole body goes into survival mode when you go through chemo, you can become extremely selfish and less tolerant of those around you and specifically close family. You want to be left alone (my case) and you want what you want when you want it. Deb would go to MacDonald’s at 2:30 am on more than one occasion for me.
Something that is forgotten when your faced with cancer is the people closest to you. You forget that you are not the only one suffering. When I had cancer I dealt with it my way, In a way I made peace with my maker, i was prepared to die and so I was prepared for the worst. By this time Deb and I had been married just over five years. we were still getting to know each other and then I threw this huge wrench in the gears of our life. How does your spouse or your loved one deal with this disease? they basically sit there and watch you die and they can do nothing about it. People face it in different ways, some relationships end because of the huge amount of stress involved (I lost some friends because they couldn't deal with it) There is so much awkwardness involved with trying to know what to say, the change in appearance, the change in personality, anger, regret, hopelessness, and many other emotions that hit all at once. My wife told me that she was preparing her self for my death. It was and still is a very personal thing for her. I can't imagine the mental, emotinal rollercoaster she ridden throught this experience and yet she kept it to herself and helped take care of my needs. I guess thats what the call selflessness. I developed a routine every night of popping 2 tums before I went to bed. I have a dog named Murphy who also became part of the routine by getting a tums for himself. He is 15 now and the last vet said he had great bones, I know they are wild berry flavored like mine though. Just a little side note about my dog. He was the most loyal friend I had going through this experience, I would lay on the couch and drop my hand and he would be there, he never left my side the whole time. I’d go to bed and he’d jump on the bed and lay beside me, he would wait till Deb got home to go to the bathroom because many times I was just to week to let him out. I love that dog more than most people will ever understand and now at the close of his life, I am forced to make the decision to put him down. He is my best friend, He has gone to work with me everyday since he was a pup, and he’s a part of me and who I have become. He’s the perfect example of one who always has forgiven me unconditionally. Just a small tribute to him. Over time my spirit began to break down too, but I never let it out around friends or family, when I was by myself I would complain about everything, why don’t they understand what I’m going through and then when they would say “we know how you feel” I would get mad at them because they had no idea what I was feeling. I was being given drugs that were killing me, poisoning me and I was fighting with all I had and had become very frustrated with the slow progress and the ongoing physical discomfort. OK God take me now, I’ve had enough of this, I don’t want to do this anymore, I cried in private and I yelled in private and I begged in private. I was at war with myself and I didn’t know which side I wanted to win. I wanted to live and I wanted to die and the frustration came as that I wasn’t allowed to choose only to endure. This is when I started to get to know the real me, not the sideshow of the guy who seemed to always have it together and was always in control of the situation (s). Cancer had taken all the control away I was with nothing but myself. As I wallowed in self-pity, feeling sorry about my life and exhausted from yelling at Heavenly Father for doing this to me, often times I would feel Heavenly fathers love for me and for a short time my suffering would be taken away and replaced with a feeling of peace so I could see a little more clearly what I had to do. My resolve to be the best patient and a good friend would be strengthened and I would repent for my anger. I had many spiritual experiences and my love for Heavenly Father and the Savior would increase incrementally each time.
Being bald had it’s own challenges, beside the fact that my head could now track a breeze anywhere in a house and was a new warm spot for flies to land and mosquitoes to attack.
The biggest challenge was being judged by others. Bald wasn’t quite in when I shaved my head, it was reserved for the rebellious and the criminals. Several restaurants refused to serve me (I have never been back to any of them) obviously the disgusted looks of people walking by and being kicked out of a conference center while waiting for a friend to come and attend with me. The security guards grabbed me and hauled me out arm in arm it was humiliating we passed people scoffing and watching. When they finally let my arms free I grabbed out of my wallet my cancer ID card and told them I was a card carrier and showed it to them they were extremely sorry and apologized all the way back to the conference room. I was spit on, kicked at and slapped on the top of my head by people who just didn’t know the truth. I don’t blame them for what they did, they didn’t know better, had they wouldn’t have done it. I nick named myself uncle fester and tried to play it up as much as I could. I have a dent in my skull at the top and told kids I was hit with an axe by grandma when I was bad one time. I don’t know if she even knows that story. This experience has also taught me to observe and study others and forced me to be careful about passing judgments on others. I have a lot of friends because of it.
Back at the cancer treatment center I made a good number of friends, one special friend was Holly Marceau (hillgardner) She was in the bed next to me with breast cancer and as we visited about the treatments we began talking about home. Well wouldn’t you know it, She went to the same high school at the same time I did. In fact, when I was 16 I hyper extended my left leg and became paralyzed form the knee down. While in a cast from the hip down and in crutches I guy came by and kicked the crutches out from me and I dropped to the ground. She picked up one of the crutches and wacked the guy across the body and screamed at him for what seemed like an eternity. I got back up and crutched off in the opposite direction. Well it was Holly, I never had any contact with her the rest of school. She was married and had two kids whom she loved very much. We became a support to each other on the phone when we got down but as my treatments were showing big success, hers were not. I would go to see her and stay as long as she would allow, each time she got sicker and sicker, than she went on oxygen and slowly just became a shell. The last time I saw her I could smell death again and I knew it was only a matter of time. She died and I was able to go to her funeral and she remains as a memory of a person with great strength and courage. She didn’t want to die and she fought to the end. I still have her obituary and read it from time to time. I made a friend of another little boy named Ben he was only 3 and was across the hall in the childrens treatment center. I happened to know his Mom, Sharon Ackroyd who was in the same institute classes in Lethbridge. He was so cute, and so sad, he didn’t know why he was being pocked and prodded and you could see that he was a very sick little boy. He died a short time latter and I also think of him. The nurses I had were great, a special breed, so compassionate, so caring and so supportive. I can’t imagine going in every day developing friendships with people you know are going to die. As I sit here I can see each of their faces and their so kind eyes. I used music to pass the time away. I used Pacabel Canon in every arrangement I could find on a tape and would play that over and over again because of the calming effect it had on me. I couldn’t handle music with word or anything that forced me to listen in some way, it would give me a headache. I also couldn’t get the taste out of my mouth from the chemo, everything tasted like the smell of aluminum, very metallic. I found a mint called BRISK which is a mentholated peppermint that helped a great deal. And I had tried everything by this time. I would also look forward to the few days before the next treatment just t go for a drive in the country and check out old hunting sites spotting deer and the odd pheasant and once a moose. It was calming to me and was a time to mentally prepare for the next go round of chemo. I never went to church for fear of catching something with all the kids and just couldn’t take a chance of getting an infection or virus of any kind. Chemo also destroys your immunity that you have developed through your life and after chemo you basically start all over building up a new system. So after 4 treatment everything came back clean but it didn’t end there, for the next year I would go back for regular check-ups every month than every two than three than six and now once a year. Every time you feel a pain somewhere you wonder, every thing that may feel out of place makes you wonder but that’s part of being in this exclusive club. So what did I get out of this? I am more layed back than I was, still a bit uptight still like to be in control of my circumstances but when I’m not, I try to learn from it. I know how to make friends and keep them because I actually care about most of them Hee Hee. I have a closer relationship with my wife and I really love her. We still have our disagreements but in the end they don’t matter. I still don’t drink smoke or do drugs and I can tell you I think it made a big difference in my recovery. I still have weaknesses and I am working on them because I want to be a better person. I have always wondered about those first thoughts I had and who this someone else is. I have wondered if I know them or if I’ve already helped them or if I’m yet to help them. I find myself searching for people or at least recognizing the opportunity when it presents itself. No I’m not looking for accolades, I really just want to help if I can, people that genuinely need it. This has been good for me to write out and as time goes on I’ll add little details that I remember. You know, I think that’s what the big life lesson was for me. It is to serve and help others where I can. I love doing it, there is nothing better than making a difference in someone’s life to help you forget your own trials and obstacles.
